Communication Me: Why do you need this technique of communication and assertiveness? Because during a conflict or a simple quarrel, we very often turn towards each other in an accusatory, aggressive and harassing tone. We are not able to properly present our reasons, define our emotions and convey what is most important, we hear the prickly words “because you always”, “because you never”. Where does this lead? To deepen the negative situation and to develop the subject in a completely opposite direction to the one intended. Is that what you are really trying to do? If you want to help yourself and someone, there is a certain way out of the stalemate. Check how to use the “I” message correctly.
Message I am – tell me what you need
What should you tell me? And how many times have you heard the question, “What are you really about”? After all, it is you who know what you need best, how you feel at the moment (!). Do you want your family or friends to guess it for you? That’s really hard sometimes, so tell me: “I am tired/irritated/ sad. Do not be afraid to express your emotions, you are not in a worse position. Perhaps you are waiting for someone to guess (because they should know? 😉), and who knows you better than you? I know that we guess we have an agreement without words, but remember that in order to advise the car you have to use the steering wheel as well. Not talking about one’s needs and feelings leads to hidden anger and frustration, and this is a step away from the escalation of anger and another quarrel. Remember that communicating your needs is not inappropriate and, above all, expressing them is not an assessment or an accusation. It’s just a simple phrase about what could help or please you now.
Message I – message You
In communication we distinguish two basic types of messages:
Ty-type avoidance of liability message
self-communication – taking responsibility
Message type YY
In a Y-type message, we focus on the inappropriate behaviour of the other person, it is strongly accusatory and causes the assessment, the labelling of the recipient. It is a frequent way to create tension and quarrels. It is about avoiding responsibility for one’s words, emotions, needs and actions.
Example: “You are selfish, always thinking about yourself. As usual, you don’t listen to me. Do you guess how this exchange of views can go on?
Type JA message
In a JA message, we are talking about the reaction that the behaviour of the other person, what our feelings are, what hurts us and what we need, has provoked in us. It is taking responsibility for one’s emotions and needs, for oneself.
Example: “When you don’t look at me during our conversation, I think you don’t listen and I’m sorry because you feel ignored.
Message Ja – construction
The basic premise of the communication I am presenting is that:
e.g., I can openly express my feelings, desires and beliefs;
I assume full responsibility for them, I do not charge others with them.
Communication I am a form of expressing one’s feelings and needs in such a way that it does not harm the other party and does not make them responsible for what one feels and thinks.
Look at the structure of the message:
I HEREBY – statement of your feelings, describe them e.g. I am angry, sad, irritated, happy, satisfied, etc;
WHEREAS – indicate a specific situation; describe the behaviour of the recipient that causes the problem that disturbs you. Remember to describe the facts, do not go in the direction of evaluation;
MINDFUL – indicating the needs I feel in a particular situation;
I WANT – to formulate a request; simply say what you expect, remember to clearly inform about your requests and expectations, e.g. I would like you, please, you, etc.
In short:
“I (what do I feel?), when do you (behaviour), because do you (need), so I would like you (specific request)?
“I feel annoyed when you’re sitting and watching TV because we have a lot of work to do in the garden, so I want you to cut the lawn today” – and how? The company and the topic? Yes, it’s!
Self-proclaimed – why is it for you?
Using this form of communication with the environment:
You get to know yourself, your feelings and needs, you talk about them loudly;
You learn about the correct reactions of people around you;
you give the opportunity to change the behaviour of the other person (the recipient of the message) without injure or judge – you talk about a specific situation and solve the problem;
So you are improving the quality of your relationship.
The message I use not only in conflict situations, but also in praising and appreciating each other’s work. A message I am a skill that you can practice and enjoy. It is one of the elements of correct attitude in ASERTIVITY. I remind you that assertiveness is understanding your needs and feelings, expressing yourself in such a way as to feel good with it, but also not to hurt the other person. It is respect for oneself and one’s environment.
For you never, you always – do not judge
I would also like to draw your attention to an important subject: giving facts and judging. Ratings are often associated with words: “The following information is provided to you: “You always”, “You never”, “as usual”, etc. These are not terms that speak of a raceway.